Monday, October 27, 2008

Naked 419

I've had this sitting in my draft for over a month now. Seeing that there's a recession on blogsville, I decided to break the reserves. That's what reserves are for right?
This happened a while ago, actually last summer so over a year ago but it was and is still a funny story so enjoy.

My friends decided to go out one night and where did they decide to go? Strip club.
As of this day, I had never been to one and I had and still have my reservations against it. What's the point of getting yourself 'high' when you can't finish the process. Having some almost nude cutie grind on me and shake her inflated pom poms in my face when I can't touch them is a waste of heart beats.

I was outnumbered in my vote against it by like 8 people so I figured, what the heck, let's roll.
Stopped by the ATM to get some cash. I don't like carrying cash, having to carry change annoys me. I pour changes in tip jars, I hate jingling in my pockets. So I stop by the ATM and withdraw $60. That's enough now, na me wan go tip all the strippers. I was driving so I knew I wasn't buying any drinks and I have enough to buy drinks for someone. Abi how much do you expect me to spend on the strippers. I wasn't planning on getting any dances. I was just going 'cause everyone wanted to go and they needed me to drive a second car. Ashewo people, lol.

We piled into 2 cars and headed out. Got to the club around 10pm or so. Fee to get in was $10. Me feeling like big boy decided to pay for my sister and another girl staying with us. So I dropped $30 at the door. If I give the dancer $10 - $20 in singles, that's something now. We found a spot to lounge and we began to watch the show.

The announcer said something about getting a dance for a fee and u get free hat or something. One of the girls must have seen that I was super bored. She came to me and started doing her thing. I told my friends in yoruba that I didn't ask her to come and dance o. She kept dancing, I kept looking. She put one of their caps on my head, I took it off (I don't wear caps anyway). She came closer and was literally butt-rubbing me down there. Hmmm, ok o, body no be wood o. Of course, the girl probably took that as a good sign and she put in extra effort.
She started trying to psych me that that was her first time. I said for real? me too (idiot girl). Every now and then, I'll put a dollar in her pantyhose. One of my friends, a bad enabler, kept edging the girl on. He would tip the girl every minute and tell her she was doing a good job. By this time, I was getting tired of all this dry humping. If na something we wan do, make we do. All this dry hump me and leave me hanging is not my thing.

Anyway sha, after like 15 minutes, she ends the serenren and says $30.
Me: For what?
Dancer: For the dance.
Lol, abi this one craze?
Me: What dance?
Her: The one I just gave you
Me: Am I supposed to pay you for that? I gave you tips.
Her: Yeah but that was the house special, that's the free hat and it's $30.
Me: I didn't ask for a dance, you came to me and I don't want your hat either.
Her: Well, I already danced
Me: and I tipped you for that
Her: You still need to pay me.

By this time, my group were looking and wondering what was happening. I told them and I think a couple of them started laughing. Not that I couldn't have paid the but I had already tipped her out of the $30 I had left. I looked behind me and I saw a bouncer standing with arms crossed. I said "ehn ehn, you want to shakara me abi?"
My friend asked how much extra I needed. I told the guy, lai lai. She wants to play smart and force this 'house special' on me, I'll show her she's not that good.

Me: I gave you tips right?
Her: Yes
Me: Count it out.
She seperated my tips from my friend's tips and tried to add some of mine to my friend's but I was too sharp. See, I put my tips in her pantyhose and my friend put his in her thong so I knew whose was where, not so fast. She counted the tips from me - $12. That was almost $1 per minute, for something I couldn't touch??? See 419 without clothes o.
Me: So I owe you $18?
Her: I guess
Idiot no even sabi maths, "I guess". She didn't look too good anymore, her smile was gone but my smile was just starting.

I checked my wallet and there was exactly $18 left so I gave it to her and said keep the tips from my friend (like she would have returned it). Abeg, carry your nice Puerto Rican boobs and ass go joo with your fake "this is my 1st time" lie.
Not that I couldn't have paid her the money and still give her tips but the bottom line was that was the cash on me. I don't carry cash, I hate carrying cash. The notes make my wallet thicker and when I pay with cash, I have to deal with loose change. I hate change so I don't carry cash. That's why debit cards were invented but God forbid I swipe my card at a strip club or even a regular club. Forget opening tabs at the bar. I don't drink and drive anyway and I ALWAYS drive. When I buy drinks for people at the club, it's cash.

Anyways, back to the story, my friends were rolling with laughter by now and I didn't have anything but swear words for them. I left their hat there o. God forbid that I return to my father's house with hat from a strip club. I think it was obvious that I wasn't happy with them cause another dancer (clothed) came and gave me a hug again for no reason, lol.

The place got boring after a while and we decided to go to a club instead. Now the payer became the payee - my sister that I paid her entrance into the strip joint ended up paying my entrance fee into the club. Again, I don't use my bank cards at clubs.
Long story short, that was my first and last visit to the strip joint. It's pure punishment if you're not going to finish the "show" at your house, lol.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Pre-mini update

WOW!!! I never thought it would get to this point where I wouldn't update for almost a month. Sorry people, work all around was trying to bury me but I refuse to be put under. God forbid!

The funny thing is I have some skeleton drafts of things I wanted to talk about in the past that I just need to add some flesh to but I'm also trying to carry you guys along previous posts.
I guess I will just close the story on the stain on my shirt. The how it got there involved me and girl, (duh???). How her head or face got to my torso, I'll leave up to your imagination.

Speaking of stains, I was out this weekend for a party and I looked at the shirt I wore the next day and saw another stain on the chest area. This time, it looked like lipstick, I don't think anyone would be wearing that kind of color for a powder, it was like dark pinkish purple. Abeg, leave me joo, I don't know all those make up colors. What was lipstick doing on my chest? I don't know either. Maybe some girl was mega horny and was "trying" to suck something (I don't have man boobs o). If that was the case, the girl could have easily just told me. That was for you dirty minded people. For the clean minded folks, maybe I took a picture (I took a few) and a girl turned her face into my shirt.

School work is going to be light for me this week. All the professors seemed to have cooled down or maybe I just put in extra effort. I think it's the latter 'cause I've even completed a project that's not due until next Tuesday and so my ass is not going to school next Tuesday. That was the condition, if you finish it by last Tuesday, take next week off. Of course, I have other projects but we'll see sha.

Imagine o, I came into work, logged into my system and the first thing I did was update. I have work emails that need to be read o. I'm going, you people will not get me fired before I quit.