Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Result and the award

Hmmm hmmm *clearing throat*.

So I wanted to sample you people and see how nasty you people think I am or how nasty you people are.
I sorta arranged the options from the top down, it can also pass as a least nasty - more nasty list but maybe not. In all, 20 people voted. I know you can see the result but I'm feeling like a typist and I want to type it. If I vex, I'll get to writing and make all of you read my duck scratch, that's better than chicken scratch right??

So 60% (12) of you thought it was from a hug. Awww, how innocent. Girl walks in, sees boy, says hello and gives hug therefore staining the shirt on the shoulder. Perfect scenario but WRONG!!!

25% (5) thought it was from a kiss. Double awww. Not so innocent but still innocent. Girl walks in, sees boy, says hello and gives a kiss on the cheek or lips (not impossible) therefore staining shirt on collar. Perfect scenario but WRONG!!!

10% (2) thought it was from sucking. Sucking what???? The two of you that voted groin and you know yourself, you are NASTY!!! But it's not impossible. It was at a friend's house and there were rooms we could have disappeared to for a quick quickie therefore staining the shirt in the groin area. Not a perfect scenario but not impossible and WRONG!!!

So nobody voted for nothing. You guys don't think I can lie? Awww, you guys see me as a truthful person, that's so nice, guys. Well, my shirt really did get stained so ...

Wait, I skipped one - 1 person, 5% voted torso. I need this person to come out o. Please show yourself, I have an award for you. Abi, did I vote for myself? My nice white with blue stripes TM Lewin shirt got stained on the torso or chest/belly area, take your pick. So how did it happen??? Till that person that voted comes forward to claim his/her prize, I won't say.
All of you that said it couldn't have been stained in the groin area, don't be deceived o. Sexcapades will never make on blogger though so we'll leave it at that.

Ladies and gentlemoimoi, the one person who voted correctly has been identified. Give it up for Stinger (if you're lying, I will send a pit bull to you). For your award, scroll down to the next red text.

Before I forget, I got the certified honest blogger award and you will have to forgive me but I forgot who gave me. I got it from 2 people actually and I'm too lazy to go dig up who. I also forgot the rules but I know I have to pass it to some people and display it??

Anyways, this is my acceptance speech.

First, I'd like to thank the Lord who made it possible for me to be here today. I'd like to thank my family for their support. My parents who didn't spare the rod and the slaps when I destroyed things just because I wanted to see what made it work.

My brother, Enigma who used to refuse to let me ride with him when he was going out to his friends. Also my sister. You don't know her so leave her alone.

I'll also like to thank my director - my desktop computer, my producer - my laptop/tablet, my screenwriter - my work computer and I cannot forget my makeup artist who's always there with me.
You don't understand, guys. This person makes up for everything my director and producer can't do. When I'm on the go, he's there, when I'm sleeping, he's there. He makes sure I can check blogger at 1am on my bed when my producer and director are in bed. On many occasions, my makeup artist lets me shoot movies and he makes sure the producer gets it right. I've been mean to him guys and I want to apologize. I've dropped him, I've thrown him and I've threatened to replace him, even as recent as 3 days ago. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a standing ovation to my make up artist - my phone the iPhone. *oya, stand and clap now*

Okay, the band has started playing the song to get me off stage so I need to round up. I will like to share this Certified Honest Blogger award with the following people:

Enigma (about time you got one dammit)
Tigeress (shey you will be nice to me now)
Tisha (I actually do think you are honest)
Naija Babe (keep being the meanie you are)
Bumight (we cool now??)
Jarrai (I owe you a diagnosis, I didn't forget o)
gbero (Abeg, where Sikira dey now?)

Stinger (You don't have one yet, do you?)

They are coming to chase me off the stage now o. If I didn't mention your name, I have you on reserve and if you already got the award, don't be greedy, return it. I can get some change for it on eBay.

The story is coming o people. I was feeling hyper and wanted to type something by force tonight.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Vote your guess - updated

All of you asking where the stain on my shirt was, before I tell you , you have to work small. It's just a click so don't do shakara.

How about you tell me where you think the stain is and then I'll confirm or deny.
A poll has been put up above, vote your guess.

Let me give you guys more details, something I neglected to mention.
I was not at a club. I was at a friend's house with a few other friends and a bunch of girls showed up and it turned into a mini club scene. The lights were down/out - the only light was coming from a laptop screen (perfect for some deeds *wink*).

Feel free to change your vote if you think these details offer a better insight.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Guess No More

This is a quick update. I've been tied down with all these school work crap jare. I tire.
So who called me out of the blue? You guessed it: Gold digger. Who else would it be? I talk to 'too close of a friend' every now and then. I've been doing more of online chatting instead of phone conversations. I can't be bothered jare.

Anyways, after like 2 months or so of silence, my phone rings from a blocked number. Normally, I would ignore it but some naija calls come through as blocked so I picked up and at first, the line went dead. I was like, if this person is flashing me from naija, he or she has missed it big time 'cause I didn't see the number. The phone rings again, blocked number. Hello??? Hellooo?? "Hey" said the voice. I almost bursted out laughing. I called her name just to confirm and she answered. Okay? What's up? She said she wanted to call and say hello since I abandoned her and bla bla bla. I don't have time for this nonsense. I told her to call me back in an hour.

She called back o. Fine, lemme talk to her. Hows' this, how's that, this nko, and that??? Story upon story, jobless now, quit school, someone moved out, no job to find. I don't have time for all this japajantis. Is your ass still available for tapping??? Of course I didn't say that. I would have but when she started mentioning that people still want to be friends with her for her ass, I figured I can't be classified in that category. A whole me, classified with the fellas that she's described as basically without any life goals? Lai lai, God forbid. She called again the next day and after like 30 minutes of her rambling, I told her, I can't see your number so I can't call you. I'll talk to you whenever. She promised to text me her number. I think my phone must have rejected it 'cause I didn't get it and I don't think I want it, neither do I want that ass anymore. What I'll be hearing next is "Can I get money for gas?"

If my phone rings from a blocked number, it's going to voice mail where the message will be deleted.
I typed everything before this about a week ago. A couple of days, my phone rang - blocked number again. I threw the phone somewhere to be ringing. I don't have time for all these stupid games. I'm too busy for any runs now sef. Oyinbo sef gan is on break and I'm not saying anything on oyinbo now. You'll just have to wait, I have too much school work to do. Maybe next week, if the work load reduces.
That even reminds me, I need to call this one girl that was grinding on me last friday. See as the chick stain my TM Lewin shirt with brown powder, aarrggh. Well, I can't complain since I know how the powder got there *wink*. If girl gives you number, you're supposed to call within how many days sef? I've gotten rusty o, kai. What do I care? If she wan vex say I no call, make she vex jare.

Speaking of which, I got the certified blogger award twice. I know I need to pass it on but time is gold right now. Nominees coming soon.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Father, Dear Father!

How many of you remember that show from back in the days? Well, the father in this case is my father. I've been enjoying my single life jejeli except now, my father has suddenly developed an interest in my love life. He's been asking me who's next on my list and what not and I told him, I have a few options, end of story. My mum caught wind of me talking to 'too close of a friend' but I made sure she also caught wind that I'm not going down that route. She had been bothering me about the chick. Of course, she had some other suggestions that I turned down to her dismay. I don't need my mum pointing out girls to me.

How did it begin?

I became single again (I'm tired of saying this but you have to understand that 4 years of being 'double' is a long time) and my parents have been watching out for who the next girl will be. What they don't realize is I've suspended being in an official relationship for the next 1 year (give or take 6 months, lol). So once my parents hear word of me talking to a girl, they want to find out who and what not. They've even made recommendations and suggestions but what is their own in this matter? I say I no do, na by force?

Anyways, I was at a family party some weeks ago and I sat with a friend that came in from out of state. We were gisting and laughing and all. I'm not close with this girl, I haven't spoken to her in like 6 months but this evening, we were like best buddies, taking pictures, making fun of each other, getting food together and all the stuffs BFFs would do. When it was time for her to leave, I walked her out to her car and promised to stay in touch. What I didn't know was my pops was watching me from across the hall. A couple of days later, my dad asked me if the girl had a boyfriend, I said none that I know of. Next thing he told me was "why don't you 'talk' to her?" I told him she was one of my many options but she was schooling in a different state and I'm not so sure I want to be driving or flying that far. Then he told me the girl's state was not too far to drive or fly to. What the heck??? This was the man that was telling one of his friends that I don't travel o (don't know who told him that) and all of a sudden traveling was not a big deal for me.

As if that was not enough, a few days ago, he asked me how far with my 'search'? What's with his obsession sef? I told him I wasn't searching and I wanted to take some time and settle myself first. I told him I wanted to focus on school, finish and get some other major things done before I bring in someone else into my personal space. My father was like, "what are you trying to settle?", "what major things am you planning that is delaying you?" Then he game me a shocker. My father asked me I wanted him to talk to any of the girls for me? Jesus!!! Why would my dad be toasting a girl for me. Of course, I gave him a huge NO! What was he going to tell them? That I'm a nice guy, gentle and caring or what? Trust me, I know my dad, if I had said 'sure, talk to them', he would have asked for any of the girls' number and called them. He then started singing this old school song about a guy that wanted to marry a girl and her parents refused and gave her to someone else. I just stood in utter disbelief. And as he walked away, he said "better don't waste time, before some other guy snatches them". Y'all should have seen the look on my face. Of course Enigma had a laugh of his day when I gave him the news.
I want some me time, I need some me time and I've got it. Someone please tell my dad to back away from my business. These sudden Americanization of my parents is something else o. I think my mum sent my dad to collect information since I've stopped giving my mum face about it. Make them free me jare. They should get on Enigma's case.

If only they know what I've been up to. If only they knew about oyinbo. Who's oyinbo? Well, leave story, let's just say BB is doing what he came to do. He's handling the kind of business AA is too righteous to handle and he's doing a good job. I am exactly where I want to be and I like it.
There are a couple of other ladies that are chasing me but are not catching me (I don't want them to catch me) and another one I am chasing but don't want to catch (what's my problem sef?).
Anyway, this is what my dad has been americanized into o. This is one of those times when being a good boy bites you in the butt. Apparently, they haven't met BB, nope, they haven't. He does a good job of hiding in the shadows.

I should clarify that my parents are not in my business like that, my pop is just funny like that. He likes using jokes to find out what's going on with you especially when it comes to girls. I'll say they are just being curious except that their curiosity is too much for me. They are not talking marriage by the way (okay, maybe my pops mentioned it once or twice). Read and laugh!

Oh people, guess who called me last week or when sef?

Guess now!



You can't?

Fine, I'll tell you.

I cut the answer out 'cause the post got too long. The answer will be coming soon.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Great Escape III - The Rear Endings

Alright, after much delays in production and a commercial break, I have finally resumed work on the final episode of the Great Escape series. This one is named The Rear Endings because it involves a couple of rear end collisions.
Very long post alert!

The first one was on a Friday morning in October 2005. I was driving my Corolla jejeli around 7am. I was traveling on city roads trying to make my way to the highway for the 40 minute drive to work. I was on a 2 lane road and was coming up on an crossroad that allowed people leaving their subdivisions to merge on the city road. A car pulled up into the median and stayed there, probably waiting for me to pass so the car could get in behind me. At the time the driver pulled into the median, I was still far away and the person could have merged before I got there without disturbing me but she didn't. Then I guess she thought about it and decided to get in before me, only issue was at this time I was closer and I would have to brake hard to avoid hitting her.

She pulled in and I started flashing my headlights to let the driver know she was pulling a crazy move and I slowed down to let her go but the driver now decided she was going to wait instead and she stopped. Although she wasn't in my lane yet, she had stuck the front end of her car in my lane. I couldn't pass without clearing the front of her car. I slammed my brakes and hit my horns. I wanted to cut into the right lane to avoid hitting her but there was a car pulling in that lane from the other side. I slammed my brakes harder and I was able to stop just before I got to her car and then screeeeeech! BANG!!! BANG!!!

WTF just happened? Someone just plowed into my from the back. Notice there are 2 bangs above. That's because when I got hit from the back, my car was pushed and I ended up hitting the woman that pulled in front of me. At first I was dazed, I was thinking what just happened. I pulled off the road and got out of my car. Obviously, I was missing my left front headlamp and my car sounded like I had a busted muffler or silencer. The car that hit me had a smashed up front. Well in the driver's seat of this car was this cute little chick (here we go again with them pretty young things - PYT).

We did the "are you okay" formalities and what not. The airbags in PYT's car deployed and I was worried for her more cause her car didn't look good at all. I called the police and then called my mum cause I was just like 5 minutes from home. The lady that pulled in front of me was Jamaican and she was just screaming bla bla bla saying I hit her and I did this. PYT and I were looking at her like, "bitch you pulled into the road and stopped". But here, you hit someone from the back, it's your fault. PYT got a ticket and her insurance fixed my car and all. The Jamaican idiot? I don't know what happened her. I wanted her to get a ticket so bad but the cop let her off. I didn't suffer any injuries though and I still went to work with my car making the loudest noise it could make. My boss sent me back home though and my car was fixed within 10 days.


January 26, 2006, 1pm.

I had just left work and I was supposed to go to my girlfriend's (now ex) place for some afternoon rendezvous *wink* before I go to school later in the evening. I was actually on the phone with my girl when the crash happened.

There's this junction on the highway where construction was going on. The road was narrow and they were expanding the road but construction meant an even narrower road so there was always slow traffic at this place except for this afternoon. It was strange. I was cruising along and I made the bend to turn to this narrow road and I saw there was no traffic. I was happy - more time for me to enjoy this afternoon. To give you a better view, the road slopes down, then climbs up to become a bridge for a little bit. I was driving my same Corolla, except this time I had done some custom jobs on it. I put custom chrome tail lights, chrome exhaust tip, halo projector headlamps (BMW style), new brakes, new shocks, new tires. It was a stick shift (manual) but I don't race. I speed when I need to but I DON'T race. Of course, people try to race me at lights and what not but I'm smarter than that.

There was a 2003 Corolla in front of me but there was plenty of distance between us. Well, on the bridge was a traffic jam but we couldn't see it because we're on the lower part of the slope. Cars got to the bridge and slowed down. The car in front of the corolla got to the bridge and slammed the brakes, the corolla behind it did the same. I saw the sudden stop and I hit my brakes also and I started hearing the screech. "Why is my car not stopping?" I tried again and it kept screeching, I was slowing down but I was sliding also, time for some quick thinking. I looked to my right thinking I could cut into that lane but there was a car there. There was an exit on the left, I checked my left to see if I could make the exit but there was a blue mazda 626 with a guy sitting in the passenger's side and he had his hand outside. If I cut left for the exit, I will not only hit the car, I will crush the dude's hand and I will probably crash into the median/divider. Then BAM!!! The deed had been done.

I looked up and saw my hood or bonnet all bent up. The airbags didn't deploy which meant I slowed down considerably since those things are supposed to fire at 20mph or higher (except I had a faulty sensor). I got out of the car, the lady got out too, did same "are you okay" formalities. Everyone was fine. Her car looked okay, her rear bumper was just scratched up but my car was messed up. Since it was a narrow road, we were blocking one lane. Traffic guy came and told us to go to a parking lot where a cop later met us. My car was still working though. I drove it home and to the repair shop after I got a ticket, grrrr! I later found out, my tires had less grip on the road because the road had been scraped so they could put a fresh layer of asphalt cause I didn't understand how new brakes, tires and shocks failed me. Of course I lost my custom jobs and till this day, my dad still thinks I was racing when the crash happened and I have never raced before but you have a guy with manual transmission and custom accessories - racer traits.

Well, at the repair shop, they claimed the frame of the car had been bent. Everything else can be fixed except for the frame. To the eye, you wouldn't know but ideal thing is once the frame is bent or damaged, junk it and that was what the repair shop and my insurance did - they sold it as junk. I'm sure the car is back on the streets now as a rebuilt car. Insurance paid me the value of the car though and I went and got a newer model Corolla. I no longer have that car either but it was not due to a crash.

Needless to say, I'm a safer driver now. I do a lot of defensive driving now. You want to overtake? Go! I keep my distance but of course the newer cars have better 'defense' mechanisms also that help. In summary, I just want to thank Baba God again that spared me in all of these crashes. I've seen cars on fire for similar things, people have broken bones, been ejected and killed for these same rear end collisions but I didn't suffer more than a headache.
So for all the great escapes, please give Baba loke 44000 gbosas for me.

Oh, I was playing with my ink blogging last night 'cause I drew some illustrations. I wasn't paying much attention though so I'll insert the drawings later.