Monday, August 25, 2008

Commercial Break

Okay, to be honest, I haven't started on the part 3 of the Great Escape movies. I had a busy week plus I'm trying to use some effects courtesy of inspirations from archiwhiz but I haven't perfected the art of ink blogging so I decided to take a commercial break. Please enjoy these words from my sponsors.

1 - I think I'll need to join that alcoholics anonymous group o. God forbid.
I woke up this morning with a bad headache and I know what caused it - my appointment with alcohol last night. How did I get to this point?
Well, I'm a social drinker. I don't drink beer, all that Heineken and things don't go in my mouth. Last time I had Smirnoff was at my drowning. Smirnoff never tasted the same after that incident but I love wine. I've been messing with wine - pinot, sauvignon, merlot and all those types. I didn't like any of those too well but I settled with Chardonnay. I would buy one bottle like every month, it wasn't anything serious till I found White Zinfadel. I bought one small bottle like 4 weeks ago and I loved it and then I found a berry and lime flavored one by Arbor Mist. This bottle was bigger and that was what I wanted; it would last longer than those conventional skinny bottles. Now these wines are not alcoholic like them Bacardi, the only issue is, I've been drinking them like water lately, especially this past week. I would get home from work and pour me a glass on empty stomach, serve my food and pour another glass, finish the food and pour another glass for the 6 o'clock newscast.
Last night, I did the same. I first downed some WZ then got some food, then downed some again. I plopped on the couch in front of the TV to watch the closing of the Olympics, na lie, I dozed off. I woke up at the end of the ceremony with a small headache and made my way to my bedroom thinking by the time I wake up today, I'll be better. Hmm, my head was pounding when I woke up o. I made it into work and I'm good now. But guess what, I have about a glass left in that bottle and I can't wait to get to it, this afternoon.
Just to clarify, I don't get drunk on wine o. Most I've gotten was tipsy after downing about a whole bottle one time. I pride myself in being drunk only once, Enigma should remember this day at the saw mill (Philadelphia days) and I DON'T drink and drive. Never.

My sister says I'm getting addicted, I say I'm just living. What do you say?

2 - School resumed today o and classes begin for me tomorrow. Traffic has started going crazy with all the school buses and parents dropping off and students rushing to morning classes. I have 4 hour classes - 6pm - 10pm. I'm used to it though, this is my 3rd semester with that same schedule: classes on tues, wed, Thurs. My life is back in a routine now - wake up, go to work, go home (if I don't have a project due), get some food/change and go back to school; then go home, get a late dinner and crash. This will definitely affect my blogging as I need to face my books before anything else (except girls, I can multi task that one). I'll be here though posting comments and updating y'all as things go along. Hmm, I just remembered some fyne Indian girls in my previous classes. I bet I'll see them again but me and Indian? I no know o. We'll see sha as long as they don't do hari Krishna on me. Na lie, my God big pass their own, nothing do me. This ejucation sef, make I read wetin I wan read comot sha, make me sef begin dey write, B.Sc, M.Sc, Esq, Hons, JP, which one remain again?

3 - For those that know Enigma, y'all got to find out we are brothers from his comment on GE I. He actually introduced me to blogger. Some of you that met him in Las Gidi also know my name now. Badderchic already confessed to attempting to look me up on facebook, lol. I'm not against being facebook friends but let me enjoy my invisibility small. Enigma is a a janded boy but I'm doing yankee stuvvs (to borrow the words of Amplifyd) so there's a bit of a distance between us. We definitely stay in touch though. I'm his right hand man and he's my left hand man so we stand side by side. We've pulled a lot of stunts together and we still pull stunts regardless of distance.

Okay, we are now back from commercial break. Let's return to the shooting of GE III. If you see typo or gun shot, abeg ignore. Idea is need. I have a meeting in 10mins and I'm here, kai.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Great Escape II - The Drowning

Disclaimer: I plan to vividly describe everything that happened and how it happened. This will be a long ass post and it will take some time to read. Hopefully, it will paint a very good picture and make you thank God again for me. Enjoy

Saturday May 21, 2005, around 6pm.

My now ex girlfriend's siblings decided to throw a pool party on this day with their parents out of town, nothing big, just some pool side fun. A bunch of people were there, the older crowd of the older siblings were on one side and we, the younger crowd were on another side. We were joined together by the pool and the food/drinks in the middle of the pool area. I don't drink conventional beer like them Heineken and stuff so I opted for Smirnoff Apple. I had one bottle, downed some barbecue chicken, I was feeling good. C'mon, it's just one bottle.

After some time, I was downing my second bottle of Smirnoff (some berry flavor this time around), I decided to enter the water. I chilled at the shallow end for a while, splashed some water, made some noise and then the devil decided it was his turn. A friend decided to walk to the deep end and he recruited me to follow and I did. We sat at the edge of the pool at the deep end for a bit, just talking and stuff and then he decided to go back to the shallow end. I said I would chill for a few more minutes. After a few minutes, I decided to go back to the shallow end. Now, I could have just stood up and and walk on the side or get in the pool and walk back along the side like I did before. But for some reason, my eyes caught a float in the middle of the deep end and I decided I had to get the float before I walk back to the shallow end. So, I jumped in the pool and proceeded to walk to the middle of the deep end.

Again, I couldn't swim (and I still can't swim). Also, the deep end was 6 ft deep and I'm 6ft 1 in height. I got halfway between the wall of the pool and the float and I realized my nose was not 6ft high off the ground, it was under water. At that point, I figured I'll jump up, catch a big mouthful of air, grab the float, land back in the water on my feet and then walk back to the wall and go the shallow end. Simple plan??? No, wrong move!!!

I jumped and took a deep breath as planned, I reached for the float but it was out of reach. Now I was coming down from the jump but instead of coming down straight, I guess the water being disturbed by everyone else pushed me a bit and I came down at an angle with my back facing the water. Realizing that I was going down into no man's land, I decided to yell so people can at least hear me and save me. Only thing was when I made that decision, I was already under and so my yell was muffled by the water. To make matters worse, the air I had taken in during my jump was being used up by my yelling. "What's happening?" I wondered. Yup, I was now officially under the water. I can't feel the ground under my feet and I can't seem to reach the wall and for some reason, everyone in the pool wasbeyond my reach. I raised my hand and I felt air. I started waving frantically, hoping someone would see my distress call. I even splashed water around but help was not coming. After a while, I decided to conserve my energy. I held my breath and tried to look around for something I can grab. I was ready to grab ass, boobs, anything at this point but although they seemed so close, they were far away. The air in my lungs started escaping. Second by second, my lungs were emptying out and then it happened.

Yup, my life flashed before me. "Is this how I die?" I saw the newspaper headline for the next week - 'Man dies in pool', I saw my mum at the hospital crying, I saw my dad being consoled, I saw the coffin, I saw my brother. I was seeing the future," this is how I die, I don't get to have a wedding or have kids, THIS IS HOW I DIE!". While all these were going on in my eyes (it wasn't in my mind or head, I was seeing it), I was still, I stopped moving. I originally stopped moving to see if I would float but when that wasn't working, reality set in. "It's a lie, I refuse to die this way and if this is how I die, I'm going out fighting". I decided to make the biggest raucous I could make in that water. I wanted to cause such an underwater disturbance that would attract attention. My reflexes took over - I took a breath involuntarily, water rushed in. I closed my mouth, held my nose with my hands. Nope, didn't stop reflex, I took another breath and gotmore water in my lungs. It didn't look good. I had to do something. It was time to fight.

So I started trashing around, flailing my hands and legs about. I had to cause a scene, someone had to see me struggling. Somebody, anybody, please, heeelllllppppp ....... . . . . . . . . . . . . . Then, it got quiet, very quiet. It was dark too, pitch black. I was out, underwater. Yup, I passed out, fainted, semi died while under the water with no one noticing anything.

Gasp, another gasp. I was hearing voices, kinda muffled though. I couldn't see. The voices became clearer: "who knows CPR?". Someone kept asking. "He's breathing", someone else said. I was beginning to see blurry images and I was still gasping for air. My lungs were hurting real bad. It was very painful taking those breaths but I needed it. I didn't know what was happening. I was laid on the floor next to the pool (or deck, whatever) face up, then I was turned over. A lot of people were looking at me, looking shocked. Then it hit me - I'M ALIVE!!! I SURVIVED!!!

I asked to lay for a bit and was then transferred to a pool chair. I kept gasping for about 5 mins and then I was able to breath normally, my lungs still hurt though. My sister was crying and I heard she was freaking out before I woke up, slapping me and hitting me to wake me up (only time she could have gotten away with it). She sat with me and refused to go back in the pool. I finally convinced her to go have fun. Then I asked someone what happened, how was I discovered? Apparently, when I passed out, I ended up floating face down. My friend that went to the deep end with me then saw me and was making a joke that I was swimming. When he called out for me and I refused to answer, he prodded me and I didn't respond. That was when he knew something was wrong and dragged me out. From the time that someone said he saw me waving in the water to when I pulled out was estimated to be about 3 minutes. It doesn't look like a long time but I believe that's about how long the human brain can go without oxygen. CPR was not performed and my lungs were able to resume function on it's own. The crazy thing was, while I was in the pool, fighting for my life, people saw me and they thought I was playing. Someone next to me in the water even said she thought I was just fooling around.

I spent the next couple of days on webmd and medical sites trying to research effects of drowning and my fear was brain damage. Being without air for 3 mins has a very high probability of shutting your brain down and you're basically a vegetable before you die. I was without air for that time but my brain didn't shut down. I saw my doctor the next Monday and his nurses wanted to refuse me from seeing the doctor. They said I needed to go to the emergency room. I had to convince them that I drowned 2 days before and it was sort of too late for an emergency. My doctor even scolded me for going to the deep end when I knew I couldn't swim (he's a Nigerian too so I heard a bit). He gave me some medication to dry out my lungs and what not. He knew not to tell my parents or I would sue him for breaking patient-doctor confidentiality. I told my parents, I fell in and took a gulp and the drugs were just as a precaution. My dad laughed at me, if only he knew how close I was on knocking on heaven's door.

My parents still don't know the real and full details to this day, I plan on telling them though, when my mum won't freak out. I've since gotten a Bachelor's degree, started my Masters program, broken up with that girlfriend and done a lot of other things (mostly good) and so again, I have to say THANK YOU JESUS!!!

There's still one more saga in this series, the testimony never finish. I'm about start the script for Great Escape III - The Rear Endings.

Ibiluv and Mz. Dee, I hope you guys get first and second comments.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Great Escape I - The Rollover

So I got a new car 2 weeks ago and of course, I had to have insurance on the car so I called up good ol' GEICO (US residents know who they are) and requested a quote. The rep then asked me about any previous accidents and I said yeah, I have a couple. Well, I ended up listing 3 accidents (only 1 was my fault o) and that got me thinking on how fortunate I've been to have escaped death numerous times. It turned out that for the past 4 years, I've had a great escape every year, so I've decided to come and share my testimonies with you.

First, help me thank God that I survived this past week. My familique ended up going to Disney for like 5 days so I've been catching up on my sleep, movies and games. Aahhhhh, peace at last, well, till Wednesday when they return for another couple of days.

Okay, to the real thing. I'll start with the first one: June 2004; father's day.
My dad used to have this SUV (or 'jeep' as those kind of cars are called in naija) - Isuzu Trooper. The car was nice and all, moved well and being a car enthusiast, I made sure that car was on point; washed, tires shining, interior sparkling. Well, this Sunday, all that wouldn't count. My mom, my sister and I went to church, did church and headed back home with me driving. Our route back home included us taking a highway with a speed limit of 70mph (about 115kmh). We were in the middle of this wooded highway, cruising along at 72mph in the fast lane when I observed that one of the tires on the driver's side was sounding and feeling somehow.

I told my mom that one of the tires was not sounding too good. She just said take it easy, we'll let your dad know and get it checked out. Being careful, I decided to drop to the slow lane and reduced my speed. I looked in the outside passenger mirror and I saw a car beside me so I decided to slow down some more and let the car pass so I can get in the slow lane. At that point, it seemed as if that car was slowing down too because it wouldn't pass me. I believe I had dropped to about 50mph (about 80kmh) by now because I actually looked at the speedometer. Then I heard the noise - BANG!!!

"I'm still in the fast lane, the road is about to curve to the right, the dividing median is just grass, no guard rails, the left rear tire has just blown and the car is seriously pulling to the left, I need to keep this car steady and get it to stop". These were the thoughts going through my head when I heard that sound. The car started pulling to the left towards the median and oncoming traffic and I was trying to steer the car to the right to keep it straight while gently applying the brakes. My sister who was reading a novel in the back thought I was playing and started yelling at me to stop fooling around. My mum who realized what was going on was calling on Jesus, me? I had my two hands on the wheel, looking straight and calculating all sort in my head, because at this point the road was beginning to curve to the right which means I'll have to turn the wheel right twice as much - to keep the car from pulling left and to make the car follow the curve.

I was doing good. I had controlled the car for almost a mile but I think I was more focused on keeping the car steady than stopping the car. I had my foot off the gas but I don't think I was pressing the brake hard enough. Of course, I didn't want to slam the brakes either. At the middle of the curve, the car took a violent jerk to the left which led me to return fire and forcefully turn the wheel right. I wanted to avoid a head on collision at all costs. That turn of the wheel sent the car in an acute right turn and next thing I know, the two right wheels come off the ground and the car lands on it's side and the rumble began.

It was the loudest noise I had ever heard. I was quiet throughout but my mum was still calling Jesus and my sister was still screaming. A million thoughts crossed my mind. I was worried about flying glass cutting my neck and me bleeding out. I could hear everybody else screaming so they are alive but the rumble wasn't over. We were being slammed over and over again. I opened my eyes and I saw glass and dust particles flying around, I closed them again. " Please don't let us land upside down", I prayed and then it got quiet except for the radio still playing gospel music. The engine had shut off. I opened my eyes and looked around. My mum called me and I answered, my sister was wailing in the back. What just happened? There's a bunch of trees right in front of the car and we are on the grass. Thankfully, we landed back on all four wheels or at least what was left of it.

I opened the door and I saw people reaching out and asking if I was fine. I still didn't understand what just happened. "Sit down", "take a seat", everyone kept saying but I wanted to know what happened. "Your truck just rolled over", someone said. "How many times?", I asked. "A lot, about 8 times", someone answered. I felt dizzy, I was staggering. People tried to grab me but I wanted to be left alone, I just crashed my dad's car. Damn!!!

I walked around and my sister was on the floor with one of her toes bleeding. The cops came and the ambulance followed. The fire truck was pulling up also. Cars were lined up on both sides of the road. People were crossing 4 lanes of traffic from the other side to come to our aid. That car was banged up. It looked like someone took a huge hammer and just started beating on the car, but I was fine. All I had were some scratches on my left hand. My sister cut her toe and my mum had no physical injuries. She later had issues from her sternum being compressed by the impacts of the car hitting the ground and I found out later that I had a much milder situation also but we were alive. We all wore our seat belts which held us down. My bible was in the back seat and only my window was shattered. Well, I picked up my bible about 700ft from where our car stopped. The window that was blown out was held together by the tint film and I picked that up even farther out.

Next to where our car came to rest were 3 erected crucifixes which meant 3 people died there. I took a look and it was fresh. I could still the tracks of the car that plowed into those trees, I even saw the glass from that car. I drive by that spot very often now and each time I'm thankful. We didn't need the fire truck or the ambulance. The police wrote their report and the car was towed away. We all survived the accident in a spot that had just claimed 3 lives. I don't like SUVs anymore due to their high chances of a rollover but He that watches over me neither sleeps nor slumbers. I know because I've had more close calls over the next couple of years but I'm still here.

Coming soon: Great Escape II - The Drowning

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Stay tuned!

So I've been quiet in writing a new blog. Pardon me. I've suddenly landed a new job of nanny. I'm actually writing this from my phone while at work.
My cousin and her two kids came in from jand last week and I thought it would be a routine visit of 3 weeks but now I know I have my work cut out for me. One of the kids is a 6 year old boy. He didn't talk to anyone on the ride from the airport but once he saw that I had an xbox 360, I became his best uncle. How sweet??? NO!!!
this kid has made it his duty to bother me the minute I walk in the door from work about playing the xbox. Unfortunately, I don't have any kid games. My games are gory; guns and blood and stuff. I can't have the kid having nightmares 'cause of a game he played. I try to avoid him playing with the system 'cause all he does is bang on the controls.
The kid is smart though. He's figured out how to work the remote for the tv. In short, now before I leave the house, I hide my remotes and unplug my gadgets. That kid is always hyper y'all. Jumping from chairs, bed, stairs and pressing every button. He almost closed the garage door on my head one time. He needs to be watched 24/7. I can't complain though. I was just like that at his age so I know what my parents went through.

The sister is 12 and so she's got a bit of the teenage girl attitude - ignoring you, staying in her room with a romance novel all day. But when she decides to play, Lord have mercy. I came close to going nuts last night. These kids were screaming and kicking all over. Now I know not to let them have ice cream after 9pm.

Their mum? Poor woman hasn't adjusted to the time difference yet so she sleeps London and Florida night times. Even if she's adjusted, she probably needs the rest. She's dealing with some bastard idiot good for nothing nonsensical gogolarity of a husband. I'm not going to talk about that though, God dey!

So pardon my scattered presence in blogosphere. I have testimonies to share and soon as I can take a break from my second job, I will need you to say halleluyah for me. No be girl testimony o, this na serious something.

Wow, in between dodging coworkers and pretending to work, I finished this. I love my iPhone. I'm coming o, stay tuned. I'll be right back.

Oh, by the way, the mum's sister (also my cousin) comes in tonight from Detroit with her little boy also. I don't think I can handle the next few days with all these kids around. PLEASE, pray for me. If you don't see my testimony by Sunday, start fasting.

Aug. 07 UPDATE
Okay, seriously fellow blogosians. Please start fasting for me from now. Two 5 and 6 year old boys in the house is so not fun. All I've been hearing is screaming and fighting and running. I went to bed early last night with a headache after giving up on chasing the boys. I'm going to start getting mad at the mums now, they need to control their seeds.
Oh, did I mention that the 6 year old snores? No, real snoring like gear 4 and gear 5. Being the kid's "best uncle", he's decided to be sleeping in my room. Unfortunately, when I sleep, my ears don't sleep. I wake up to the slightest sound. I've been losing about 2 hours of sleep every night and this last night wasn't any different. I woke up with bloodshot eyes because I spent the whole night kicking the boy and counting sheep.
Oh, wait! I think they are going to Disney for a few days tomorrow. Some peace for me. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against them being around, I just don't have the capability (lemme speak small grammar) to handle all of these adrenalin rushes these kids are having.

Coz, in case you're reading this by any highly slim chance and can figure out who the players in this blog are, I'm not against you or your kids o.