I ain't saying she's a gold digger

So I met this girl some weeks ago and we exchanged numbers. Fine Caribbean cutie, tall and lepa with her lip gloss popping which only made those lips more inviting. Hmm, I wanted to get with this chick, I just can't let that ass roll away like that.

We started talking and hanging out. Anyways, after like a couple of weeks of talking and talking on the phone and hanging out, I wanted to get to the point. She had told me she did not like to drink alcohol cause she gets drunk very quickly. Well, one night around 1am, while we were out, we went into this bar. I was driving later so I ordered sprite (I don't drink and drive). My 'non drinking' friend wanted this creamy drink that was sweet and the bartender served her Baileys. In my mind I'm thinking, hmmm, which levels? She said the drink wasn't as sweet as the one she had some months before and the waitress said she'll add Kahlua on the next shot. My mind was smiling, this is interesting. She downed another mixture of baileys and Kahlua and after about 5 minutes, my friend stumbled off her bar stool and almost fell. Ohhh, it's soo going down tonight. What a perfect opportunity - we were already kinda feeling up on each other and now she's getting tipsy? During the walk back to the car, I checked my wallet for my Durex; present, ever ready. Me and this girl? Na tonight, make we reach house.

After 2 minutes of getting in the car, she fell asleep. Kai, why now? Well, I figured since we're not home yet, she could take a quick nap. I wanted to be like J. Holiday - "... time to finish, round 2 around 2" (Bed). Then AA showed up and started thinking about it. (Read my about me for who AA is). "She's kinda drunk and somewhat vulnerable, this is not right. I shouldn't take advantage of her", AA thought. That AA sef too dey righteous. In the long run, AA won the fight and I dropped her off and told her to sleep it off. But the fight was not over for me o.

While talking a couple of days after, she asked me what did I want from her and I threw the question back at her immediately. She told me she wanted a friend, a close friend. A friend who won't think nasty thoughts if she walked around the house naked in front of him. HAAA!!!

Right there, I told her to stop. "If you walk around me naked, I'm not going to ignore you. I will grab that ass and I'll probably be on your titties also and you know what's coming next" Those were my exact words to her. Remember I told you this girl was set all around. I swear, this had to be better than Jamaican ganja (not like I've had it before o). Anyways, she started tripping and was like why do all the guys she hangs out with end up trying to sleep with her? (Err, maybe cause you have a nice body??? duh).

I said I wasn't about sex but I can't be that kind of friend that will see you naked and look away. She asked so what did I want from her and I told her I would love to tap that ass. "We can be friends if you want but honestly, my thinking right now is me, you and my Durex" (I play safe, thank you). Of course, I apologized for being rude or too blunt and I didn't say it like that but I was being real. Abeg, forget all that courtesy crap, this is BB not AA. I tell it the way I see it, I no send.
She didn't trip though, she just smiled and said she was confused emotionally. Apparently she was caught up in some feelings for her ex boyfriend from 2 years ago and feelings for her ex from 2 months ago. So she did not want to get involved in anything right now besides platonic friendship. Rubbish, na me send am message???

No problem, good things come to those who wait right? What I didn't know was if I wanted to tap that ass, I would need to start paying up (was that even guaranteed?)
After a week or so, she called me up and we were talking about her sister that came into the country but needed to go out of state. OK?? She then asked me to buy her GPS so she can drive her sister out of town. I laughed and said no, why should I? She said because I'm her friend. I told her nope, I'm not balling like that. Then she got pissed and she started dissing me, calling me stingy and some other synonyms. I just told her I didn't have time for all that nonsense and hung up.
She called me 2 or 3 days later and was like why haven't I called her? I told her I've been busy with exams and I told her I didn't appreciate her dissing me either. I didn't care anymore since she kinda denied my 'tapping request'. She then got mad because I didn't appreciate her name calling charade (see me see trouble o). This time I didn't even bother talking, I just hung up. I don't have time for all that drama.

8:30am, two days later I got this text: "Can you borrow me some money to fix my brakes?" You should have seen me laughing at work. This chick was mega tripping. No, this bitch was super tripping. Am I her boyfriend or her sugar daddy (I'm not even that old sef)? I hit delete and continued my work like nothing happened. That was 3 weeks ago; she hasn't contacted me since then and I'm not even interested anymore.
I think I can kiss that ass goodbye. I'm moving on and I got my eyes set on this fine piece of ass. Wait, I think she has a band on her wedding finger. I need to confirm that before somebody goes ape shit on me.